Now what?

Do you ever get the feeling that your whole life is leading up to some great apex of a moment? That every step you’ve taken, every decision you’ve made, every struggle you’ve endured are somehow meant to lead you to a yet unmet place of pure happiness and contentment? And that suddenly… after many miles and years, you’ll be imbued with a zen-like sense of purpose, fully self-actualized, where you can spend the remainder of your life, happy in the knowledge that you finally did it. You’ve arrived…

For some, I think this is the dream – that if you can just do the one thing (whatever it might be), it will change your life forever. And that it will be self sustaining and perpetually serene. For me, my aspirations began when I decided to go to college. While I didn’t know what I really wanted to do (and still don’t), I knew that it was a good path to follow. Or that it might at least offer some direction in an otherwise confusing world.

So community college led to an Associate’s degree.
“Yay! I finally have a degree! I worked so hard to get here, and it’s awesome to finally cross the finish line… Now what?”

Well… you’ll need a Bachelor’s to really enter the workforce. OK. A few more years and…
“YAY, I DID IT! Obstacle overcome. I’m ready for a career. Now what?”

Well… in this field, you really can’t do much without a Master’s degree. FINE. A few more years, internships, and other various red tape and bullshit later, and…
“ALRIGHT. DONE. NOW WHAT?”

Well… you need a job. A bit of a rocky start, but…
“Hey. Here I am. A good job with financial security, a loving wife and family, more stability in my life than I’ve ever known… *shakily* Now… what…?”

I really could make this parallel with almost any aspect of my life. The struggle towards becoming a decent musician, the military experience, every single step of raising a child, even seemingly mundane things like running errands around town or finishing a series on Netflix. No matter how satisfying the feeling of accomplishment, they all end the same. “OK… that’s done. Where do I go from here? What’s on TV tonight? What do you want to do for dinner? What’s going on this weekend?”

Too often life seems to be a series of wash, rinse, repeat. This is not to say that I don’t feel “blessed” to have the things I do or that I am in any way unhappy with my life. I’ve worked very hard (on many, many levels) to reach this point and many of my past decisions have certainly paid off. And I still have aspirations. To record an album, to write a book, to take a painting class. So many things left to do… But as time goes on, there is a certain reticence to wanting to even begin a new project. Perhaps it is partly due to the knowledge that once completed, there’s nothing left to look forward to (at least until I can summon the willpower to begin another thing). Or maybe it’s because I feel like I already have so many damn notches on my belt that it should be enough already. I know… I know… You create new passions, engage in new adventures, eat at the newest restaurant in town… But after awhile, almost any new endeavor can feel a chore.

I had a good talk with my father about retirement not too long ago, who said, “Son, the hardest thing I’ve ever done is nothing.” Now, granted, I’m (hopefully) a good 20-30 years away from having to worry about all that, but it does bring up an interesting point. How do we fill our time when we have more of it than we know what to do with? Many people work long hours and when they do get a break, they gladly engage in “extra-curricular” activities. But what if those long hours were suddenly available? I think this is why it would be very hard to be a multi-millionaire (for me at least). You can go anywhere and do almost anything with money being no object. The sheer number of choices alone is exhausting. Maybe this is why so many fiscally elite individuals become miserly and focus on working to obtain all the money (all of it)? After all the leisure they can take, what else are they going to spend their time on? Philanthropy? To be fair, some do. But to be real, most don’t – else the world would look very, very different…

But no matter our social status. we all seem to be driven to do something… anything… Because without some new goal to achieve, we seem to wither away into self-obscurity. Without something to focus on, we gather the proverbial moss and settle into a routine that we feel cannot be broken, allowing what is perhaps the root of many a depression to seep into our lives. And while it’s been said many different ways, it feels like the real purpose of life is to give life purpose. And the operative word here (give) is unfortunately a verb. And the same could be said for the word “happiness.” I suppose I need to remind myself of this a little more often. Life is not static. It moves, with or without us. How much is what ultimately defines us. And leads to our sense of self, and of purpose.

To that end, I think that I should stop asking myself “Now what?” and start asking myself “What now?”

Or some bullshit like that…